NSFCCDP Movie Review: The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) – Umm, did they actually make a worst movie than the original one they were re-making?

Actually, they did. The movie has nearly everything going for it: great actors like Michael Sheen and Dennis Leary, a great actor for Spider-Man in Andrew Garfield, a popular enemy from the comic books in the Lizard, a hottie for Pete’s almost girlfriend Emma Stone. And yet, it blows chunks on nearly every level. [BTW, since when was it Spider-Man instead of Spiderman?] The plot was painfully predictable, the pace incredibly boring (I was yawning before the half-way point), the humor nearly inexistant (and when it was there like in the high-school Spidey-Lizard battle, it felt completely out of place), and the romanticism was corny and plain stupid. It has several moments that were insulting to a halfway intelligence audience: (1) how the hell does a student, Peter Parker, who isn’t even an intern at Oscorp, just waltz into the super secret lab in the middle of the night – and leave again without tripping a single alarm (2) when he leaves Gwen’s room after the catastrophic (and again predictably and pathetically so) dinner with the obligatory (and sappy-ass) kiss, he goes over the balcony WITHOUT HIS BACKPACK and yet then we see him in the bridge scene pulling his mask out of the backpack. What, did he stuff the backpack in his shorts to impress Gwen with his arachnid-monster member? Did they cut the scene where Gwen yells out “Hey, Spider-Man, you forgot your pack dude!”. It was sooo bad. And, rubbing salt into an open wound once again, the melancholy funeral scene where Peter watches from above, aloof and sad, hidden from the crowd and then gives her the old “we can’t even be friends” speech, and then in the closing scene just blows off the whole thing with the snide “some lies are fun to break” or whatever, my friend m.poulet and I nearly wished they had specially equipped the room with barfbags.

As for the bad guy, you be the judge. Here is the 1967 one that I first knew on TV at 3pm after school as a kid:

Doesn’t he look super sinister with those white eyes and that mad grimace. The lab coat was well-fit (apparently his tailor wasn’t bad), plus the whole bayou mystique really worked in this episode. I mean, OK so the animation was just a tad less exciting than the movie but, who doesn’t find himself singing that old Spiderman tune in traffic sometimes. Oh come on, admit it – it has happened to you at least once right?

Then there is the comic book version. CONFESSION: I was never really a comic book geek. For those of you that may recall my geek post, I definitely would have written different questions had I been one. In any case, this lizard looks fucking awesome doesn’t he? Humongous busting out of that inflated lab coat. Spidey looks almost completely fucked in his bloody jaw (blood, something else that is nearly absent in the movie). The red eyes are also awesome as they show him to be totally pissed off. Now, the previous picture hints at the future redemption of poor Dr Connor whereas this particular one looks like he’ll need more than just a florescent blue raid cloud to come around [RANT: and what was up with that fucking serum? Does the BAD serum always have to be that glowing green color and the GOOD serum always some crazy blue color? And like it was soooo suspenseful and unpredictable that the bomb gets down to 2 seconds before Spidey saves the day. Sheesh!]

And here is our bad guy. OK, so he looks pissed (notice the GREEN clouds coming from the BAD serum) but gone is the lab coat [NIT: He is naked apparently but somehow there is always a black unlit spot in his groin. Or he got his dick chopped off with his arm when he was human or something. Wait, maybe the real serum was for his dick to grow back? Hmm, now THAT would have been an interesting plot twist. Or has Vivid already started shooting that?]. I will spare you the face (too plastic looking IMHO) and just ask you, doesn’t Lizard #2 look more evil than this guy? OK, maybe it is debateable but still…

So, you can gather that we did NOT like this film. Actually, I was expecting it to actually rival Battleship in Suck Factor, but it was pretty bad. Redeeming qualities: few and far between but, OK, let’s admit that the Spidey flying scenes were pretty rad. Well, except for the horrendously cheap and goofy crane scene “Hey Billy Joe Bob, swing that old crane out in the middle so poor, injured Spider-Man can (once again) save Manhattan from certain doom – plus it’ll make for nice footage for our company video!”…I could go on. But I won’t.

Please let The Dark Knight Rises bring comic book movies back to the level of The Avengers!

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About mfinocchiaro

IT Architecture Guru for large PLM software company but dabbling in Web 2.0 and other stuff.
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3 Responses to NSFCCDP Movie Review: The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) – Umm, did they actually make a worst movie than the original one they were re-making?

  1. Michael Lai says:

    Couldn’t agree more with your critique of the move!

  2. Pingback: NSFCCDP – 2012 – The Film Year in Review: A Bumper Crop! | Fino's Weblog

  3. Pingback: NSFCCDP Movie Review: Man of Steel (2013) – Super-disappointment :( | Fino's Weblog

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